A hard day's evening in the very centre of Moscow, on Chistye Prudy. Walking along the houses I have seen so many years ago, when I was photo-hunting. The lions. The not-so-dark, wonderful dusks. Chime. Tinkling, magical noise.

*

Underground. A young lady -- blue coat, blue balloon in her hands and light blue eyes, so light and blue that they seem to blind you. A bit clumsy.

Pricala sam majci o nekim konferencijama u Letoniji, nisam mogla odluciti ici tamo ili ne ici. A ona je rekla jednu prostu ali bas pametnu stvar: treba saznati zasta zelim ici tamo. Da li sama konferencija znacajna za mene. Istina je da nije. Ne imam dosta vremena za pripremiti dobar rad; a zadnja dva-tri putovanja su bila bas challenging jer nisam imala dovoljno para za sve. I nece to biti bas uzivancija, znaci. Pa i Letonija, zemlja, jezika koje ne znam. Nije to neki edem, nije bas poznata po svojim lepotama da bih isla ne za jezicne vezbe i kulturno iskustvo.
Hocu u Veliku Britaniju. Ova dugogodisnja (vecinom latentna masta). Dobro je mastati, ali moram i ici tamo.

A surprisingly happy week.
One birthday.
One (almost) completed application.
One passed examination.
One lecture in Serbian.
One meeting with classmates.
One film in English.

Plus Chesterton; online course on English literature; a translation project about psychology and a chance of working as a fiction translator.

Da, i te pokloni iz Skotske...
A stvarno moram ici tamo. Da bih malo zivjeti ko ti lijepi junaci knjiga britanskih autora... Da bi -- prvi put u zivotu -- boraviti dugo u necjoj kuci izvan grada...

ovaj (vec drugi) zimni boravak kod roditelja. hladnoca i puno tople odece (i siroke pajamas), pokloni, pismo za sveuciliste... bas je cozy. i van je zima i sneg

A mozda sva ova americka avantura je samo za pogledati u oci onima kojih volis i za naci tamo -- ne idi molim te, ne mogu bez tebe.
Ovo je Cesterton u mom zivotu, ovo je lepota u mom zivotu, samo suvise tuzni.

Danas sam stvarno uzivala u tom metodicnom, filoloskom radu: provjeravanju metrickih shema mandelstamovih pjesama.

Sada uopste ne vidim smisla u svom postdiplomskom studiranju na ovom sveucilistu. Ali bas sam zadovoljna da imam mentora koji, kao i ja, ne vrlo voli raznorazni teorijski stvari. Treba zivjeti istinom. Treba iskljuciti iz svog zivota laz. Ako nisi bas teoreticarka -- onda nije dobro studirati teoriju. Ne mogu reci da sam ikad rekla da obozavam teoriju, ali ponasala sam kao da sam u ovom zainteresirana. Doduse, ponekad ima i zanimljivih stvari. Ali kad treba koristiti logiku, to je skoro uvek zanimljivo, zar ne?
U svakom slucaju zivot ovog covjeka je inspiracija. Uvijek neka predavanja, neke konferencije u Rusiji i u europskim zemljama. A sada ga je pozvali da zive godinu dana ili cak dvije na nekom koloradskom sveucilistu. Bez skoro ikakvih predavanja...

Re-read my entry on why am i doing it i didn't have time to think it over. Isn't it funny for someone who spent so much time writing pros'n'cons stuff.

O ovakvim stvarima obicno citas u knjigama, a sad sama to osjecam. Svu prethodnu godinu provela sam pisuci raznorazne pisma o tomu kako volim englesku knjizevnost. I sada mislim da i stvarno patim od nemogucnosti studirati tu knjizevnost. A ne znam. Mozda stvar je u tome da opet moram ici na neke predavanja ne zbog toga sto zelim, a zbog rasporeda. To me grozno zivcira. Nesloboda me zivcira. I taj razmak izmedu oficielnim i stvarnim u nasom sveucilistu. Citam svoj diplom: neka "preddiplomna praktika". Kakva praktika, nisam nikad za nju cula!

Strah me je napustiti program. Skoro nikad u zivotu nisam nista napustala. Ima ljudi koji slobodno kretaju izmedu razlicitih smjerova -- prvo recimo fizika, onda knjizevnost. A istina je da godinu dana prije mastala sam ne o studiranju e.knjizevnosti, a o studiranju u Engleskoj. To je malo drugacija ideja, zar ne?

Zasto studirati rusku knjizevnost, zasto, zaaaasto, nije to nikad bila moja masta, samo k'o neki etap u mom putu. Mislila sam nekad: e, sad cu napisati godisnji rad o Mandelstamu, pa pocet cu sa engleskom knjizevnoscu. A stvar je u tome da ako bi stvarno to tada zelila, nasla bi neku priliku.

Dixi.

Ali -- stvarno volim Mandelstama. Malo se plasim studiranja prijevoda: to je sjenka sjenki (Platon?).

An October evening in Moscow. Big, distinct, peacock-like shadow of a leaf on the wall. A dark, abandonned house, surrounded by dark, not city-like poplars. Its windows reflect light. A surprisingly giant moon -- it even scares one a bit to see it suddenly appear above the branches.

Sudden love for small Russian towns, where I have been but never -- lived. Where people live, where they (one of my friend said) don't wear caps when Muscovites do. Where people seem more relaxed about their clothes. Where my new friends live and where Mandelstam had been and where I would go some day.

I was surprised to find a giant cavity in one of my teeth and had to change my plans and go to the dentist's. Somehow I found out, sitting there at 10 pm, that I forgot of my (and anyone's) body's proneness to illnesess. Just a couple days ago I was furious at thinking how short my life is and how I have to waste my time listening to boring lectures. But it was sort of theoretical, though genuine.

Yesterday I remembered:

my body is not perfect. It can get ill. It can get ill without letting me know. I am not eternal. My life is just a thin layer of ice on a stormy ocean.

Dorothy Wordsworth's journal. The educator kept praising it, but I thought it was some equality stuff until they actually gave us some extracts. Truly beautiful pieces, and a bit like my journal entries. How wonderful and poetic was their life!

That's not to say that mine is not.

*

Postgraduate studies. I get so furious at having to go to these obligatory lectures. It would be hackneyed to say that our life is too short and precious to spend it doing things you don't want to. But seems I'm forced to. "They made postgrads study".

*

Read a BBC Magazine article about some landowner in Scotland who wishes to reintroduces wolves to some Highland region. The article was extremely picturesque and made me want to go there. To go to Scotland. Oh yes, and the fascinating The Lady Of The Lake. First thought it boring, but now really enjoying it. Gripping and romantic.

Nova akademska godina

Zasto sam taka sretna kad udem u ucionicu punu skoro nepoznatih ljudi?
Medu nimi doduse je i jedna vrlo dobro poznata osoba -- sa novom lijepom prezimenom.
Angielski, jezyk angielski. New hopes. Hope to improve my knowledge of British culture.

If some time ago I used to be amazed when someone on VK had the same friends as me, right now I expect them to know some of my friends if they are interested in the same things as I am (languages).

Dry leaves smell as they used to some 13 years ago near our house, when we made that gread pile between the tree trunks to sir on. Aand a "Moskvitch" car in one of the central streets adds to this impression of old times. One street is as empty as could be in 1930s -- just a couple of cars. And a red, old-style tram.

Somewhere -- recently -- I read about the necessity of sitting down and thinking about your -- problems or challenging. Concentrating on it. How true it is! I am to sit exams for postgraduate studies -- why on earth? On theoretical subject -- why on earth?
Because I didn't have time to THINK about it PROPERLY. Because I didn't have thinking time in my schedule. Because some of my decisions were sort of spontaneous. Withour real pros and cons. On-the-spot. Because my views on my future change all the time! Tired of it. Should I maybe trust the flow of life?

(Barem nekad) bila sam odusevljena temom svoje "dizertacije".
Ali -- rado bih odustala.
Samo...
Sto samo?
Bojim se necega.
Bojim se reci: hej, nisam odabrala ovo sto bih trebala odabrati.
Ok.
Samo cekat par sedmica, sve ce biti u redu. Ponovo cu biti odusevljena rusistikom.

p.s. volim Andrica.

u avionu

Srela sam stujardesu koju sam vec videla!
A na drugom avionu citala sam casopis Er Srbije, i tamo je bila slika ove stjuardese i njezinog kolege.

"Ништа од наше... ништа од Америке!"
Nista od moje Engleske, i bas sada meni je tuzno zbog toga. Narocito kad pricam sa ljudima koji su sigurni u tome sto zele studirati, kogi su sigurni da su naucili nesto na faksu.
Hocu u Englesku. Hocu studirati englesku knjizevnost i kulturu. Manje teorije. Vise cinjenica.
Jos jedan put pokusat cu.

A ne zelim teoriju. NE ZELIM!

Zasto, zasto UOPSTE to radim? Samo zbog toga sto sam lenja? Zbog toga sto nemam dosta samopouzdanja za reci "Oprostite, nisam bas sigurna da hocu to radit"?

Ok. Tesko bilo bi polozit ispit iz historije knjizevnosti. A iz teorije -- moguce.
Ok. Hocu studirati u inozemstvu. Biti studentkinja postdiplomskog studija omogucit ce ovo.
Ok. Mogu radit sta god zelim ako budem imala para. Mogu studirat britanistiku sama.

Pa mozda naci cu jos nesto. U pocetku 3. godine nisam ni mislila da cu ucit srpski.

*

Devojka u avionu sa plisevom svinjom, u "teljnjaski". Prica sa drugaricom, i kako to lici na nas, devojaka iz 1514 u 14. godini zivota! Cudne reci kao sto su "cilj zivota". Suvise veliki. Mozda ona i je iz 1514, jer njezina drugarica spomenula je "skolu voditelja": ako se ne varam, ovakva skola postoji i u nasoj gimnaziji. Stil njezinog govora nekako je licio na stil govora u 1514...

Avion nocu. Ljetimo na Mjesec! Veliki i zuti. Vidim propeler. Obicno ono sto vidis od aviona iz prozora je nepomicno, i ti ne mislis na krhost, na to sto biti u vazduhu je neprirodno, cudo je. Kao limeni crveno-plavi dio aviona podsjeca na nesto staro, savetsko, na svemirski brod.

Avion nocu. U avionu postajes bliza kosmosu, nebu, vremenu. Primecujes mesec i zvezde, oblake i tamu.

in D

1. Church in Stradun. A wall and some little stone on it where people jump, trying to balance. An Asian girl does it, and a man -- a stranger apparently -- holds her. Then they shake hands.
2. We are shopping with Irene, and 2-3 times heard signor-ine. Not only to us. Why.
3. Also heard an adieu or adio as a greeting.
4. Oh, it was a bad idea, say I going upstairs. In Italy, says Irene, we say: if you did it 30 times, do it the 31st.
5.  On the glass wall of somebodys house there is a picture of some person. The Pope? a saint? a polititian? And it is without the pozadina, that is, the line of the scissors followed the shoulders.
6. Suddenly Irene stops. Do you think it is a bomb? A what? A bomB. She points to a hole in the pavement and explains me that there are the red roses of Sarajevo...

Bosnia becomes a wonderland for me. Martin talked about it, Irene... They all like it. Also, Na Drini Cupria and all the wonderful bridges.

p.s. Re-read this entry in Moscow. 2 peculiar errors: bAcomes and apparAntly. Influence of Croatian, presumably.

Neverovatno.
Jedan prijatelj na Fejsbook-u. Iz Kine, ako se ne varam. U spisku procitanjih knjiga stoje mu Solohov.
Ne, nisam ga citala. Ali odlicno je -- kad cover sa imenom koje ne znas kako da izgovoris, jer umesto latinice stoje mu hijeroglifi, procitao je isti knjigi, sto i ljudi tu, u Europi

čudno je.

Čudno je čitati o životu jedne male, zabačene varoše jedne daleke balkanske zemlje gde nisi nikad bila i nisi baš sigurna da budeš ikad išla tamo -- i naglo saznati da ta varoš je povezana sa jednom od najkrvavijih ratova, jer glavni grad te zemlje je mesto gde taj rat je i počeo. 

Čudno je saznati da ako bi pre sto godina tvoji preci nisu krenuli ovde, nisi bi sada postojala. Zbog toga što ne bi se upoznali tvoji baka i deda, zbog toga što nema puno Židova koji su prežili taj drugi rat. Ti, sadašnja devojka, imaš neku vezu -- jednu veoma bitnu vezu -- sa prošlošću...

*

A u ZILu je odlično. Stojim ispred zalkjučenih vrate Dečje Knižnice ko ispred nekog džinovskog akvarijuma: umjesto riba i vode tamo je sunčev svet, tekući i talasast ko voda.

reading my blog

first in Serbo/Croatian, then in English. Seems the first sounds more humorous, the latter -- more elegant. Pa jooj love it.

Jos par dana i bit cu u Dubrovniku!

preparing for GRE

Scrolling the lists of words, you feel as if it were some other language. Not English. Why, I don't come across a dozen of such words in a few days! And sometimes only knowledge of some Latin roots helps. Looks like some pseudo-English!

Of course it boosts your confidence when your score is higher than average (after a few not so successful attempts).

Tak. Wiem, że nic nie wiem. (Got the phrase correctly!)

And oh, philosophy. First you shudder, then you smile. It's so... it's really studying humanities, after all.

I samo sada razumes da maturanti su deca... cak i lica im nisu lica odraslih osoba

For some reason I don't feel like I'm a graduate.
Maybe it's because the last several months were sort of preparation for quitting studying, and two important occasions (exam and paper) were preliminatory stages of graduation, each with speeches and food. And "do you really believe it" was heard, I think, after the exam. So: not many classes, these events, and also me and the subdepartment, un-formal settings, me feeling not  really different from those who have left the Uni several years ago and still are participating in conferences and stuff.

teaching English...

... is about learning different people's wonderful stories. They can inspire you.

A sto se tice ove firme -- sve je u redu (wszystko v porzadku): mislim da nece biti bas tesko napustit ovi posao. Manje-vise ok.
Jutro. Sef dolazi u sobu i prica sa devojkom, mojom kolegicom, na nemackom.
E-posta. Neverovatno duhovito pismo Dase o "feminine squad" gde naziva kolegice "damsels", prica nesto o Princu Carming-u i kaze, da jedan momac, koji nije izdrzao ovih prvih 2 meseca, odlazio je zbog njihovog plana. Duhoviti Orel ("adminuski" i uopste njegov stil, i cini se da to je ovi redaktorski stil -- ljudi se igraju sa recima poput "vot", "ljubeznostj").
Pa hrana. Joj. Evo sta znaci -- devojka ne zna da dobro kuva. Cini se da za mene to je najvaznija prednost posla.

Hm. Al u subotu bila sam sretna jos ne ynajuci nista o poslu, bila sam odusevljena bonusima itd. Al sada -- jooj, kako je dosadno!

Wherever I go, whatever I do, I'm a novice. Dancing. Playing the flute. Working. Speaking German and Croatian. Isn't that annoying -- and how to get rid of it. To focus on one and only hobby or field?

ma šta ću

Zaposlila sam se u jednoj super firmi, baš sam bila sretna i zadovoljna, jer tokom intervjua bila sam pametna i dobro sam pričala Engleski, plaća je mnogo više nego što sam mogla da očekujem, a ljudi su dobri.

A sada ne znam. Šta ću i šta želim? Stvar je u tome da već na intervjuu pričali su o unaprećenju. Zabrinuta sam jer samo nakon godine dana ili tako nešto postat ću pravi prevoditelj, i to znači da bit će potrebno da izabram jedno ili drugo, SAD ili posao, karijeru. A karijera to nije univerzitet, ne možeš na 5 godina odlazit negde pa vratiti i raditi isti posao.

A još doktorantura RGGU i mogućnosti koji ona nudi: Erazmus i drugi prednosti međunarodne saradnje (Europa, Srbija, možda čak i Engleska). A još treba da bavim nečim, frulom, pevanjem, plesom. Srećom nemam momca, malčice je lakše kada nemaš problema bar u ljubavnom životu.

Evo, pre nedelju dana želila sam da postanem Ph.D., bar u ovom eseju za Dandi.

A želim li baviti naukom? Ma kako da ne bavim naukom! 5 godina sam ovo radila. Tek sada vidim da postoji i još neka mogućnost. Ok, ne tek sada, ali...

vreme

Kod roditelja. Smotrim sa tatom stare poštanske marke, i on stalno komentira: ovo je valjda iz vremena pre rata... ovo je iz vremena prvog svetskog rata... I tako dalje. I čudno: historija izgleda nekako drugačije, i sećam se ovih starih stvari -- sećam se njih kao ideja, jer ne pamtim skoro ništa -- stvari poput bakinog svedočanstva o bolesti, njezinih fotografija ili vaza. Nešto staro, mirno, nešto što ima ovaj čudni, stari miris.
Tako i istorija u ovom albumu sa markama nije strašna, mirna je i malčice tužna, čak i kada reč je o ratu. A malo mi se plaka kad mislem na Nemačku u vreme rata.

Ponekad ću pisati i na hrvatskom da bih malo više ga vježbala. Ako budem imala mogućnost da napišem par rečenica i na poljskom... bit će super.

Pročitala sam dosta zanimljivu knjigu Susane Zarajskaje "Jednostavan način brzo naučiti strani jezik uz pomoć glazbe" u kojoj ima puna dobrih savjeta za motivaciju i inspiraciju. Zapravo в сущности zahvaljujući ovoj knjizi i sijetila sam ove stranice i odlučila sam da ću manje-više redovito pisati nešto u ovom blogu.

Sretan put...

*   *   *

Jestem zmęczona. Chcę spać. Noć jest ciepłą. Pewnego dnia (jednog dana) będę sczęśliwą.

Ne volim gramatiku, volim ovako: prvo maalo gramatike, pa onda samo praksa i intuicija. Naprimer (na przykład) ova "ą". Videla sam nju viša putu na krajevima reči, pročitala sam o svojoj grešci na Livemocha kad nisam nju koristila, i evo me, već znam jedno pravilo (ZASADA) iz poljskog... Kad pišem ovako, prvo poljski pa hrvatski, hrvatski čini mi se dobro poznatim kao što je engleski. Čudan osjećaj.

Jedan smiješan slučaj. Nekoliko dana prije tražila sam u rječniku riječ "skarpetka". Znala sam da sam čula ovu riječ i baš sam bila zbunjena da nisam nju mogla naći u srpskom rječniku. Ali... to nije srpska riječ nego poljska! Zahvaljujući igrici za mobitelj, sada znam kako "čarape" zvuče na poljskom.

almost

I have almost finished my diploma paper.

That means that in just a couple of weeks' time I will be free.

Which means I will be able to start working. Strange, isn't it.

I am a bit tired of working as a tutor because I don't have a proper schedule, and also all too often I feel the lack of skills. Not of experience, but of some knowledge on what are the best ways to make students learn. But nevertheless when I spent an hour playing and reading books with pictures with a kid it makes me happier because it makes me feel myself a child.

What's up next...

Haven't the slightest. Ok, I have some ideas, but the dreams seem too great to come true, and studying for a doctorate in Russia has not been my dream. I have no objections to doing it though, and have a wonderful theme for my (my!) thesis in mind, but still... So tired of working till small hours, of having no proper schedule, of having to juggle work and education. Applying for HSE is not an option, although their stipend is much more generous -- all because I have some contacts here at RSUH.

My last trip to Croatia was a strange experience. The book I would read in my free time was in English, not in Croatian, and what a lovely book! Forster's The Longest Journey. I have seen a lot of flowers, and improved my knowledge about the city a bit (so that now I see what all those gardens and towers are for). I've also been to St. Michael's castle, a challenging and peaceful day... almost no people, paradize. 

Made some new friends, been to a charity concert at St. Donat.

But I finally understood how difficult the life of those people is. 

Which means that I won't be able to, say, study and work there. Cause I'm not a big fan of working in tourism.

Strange how impressions are disappearing from your mind just after a week has passed. I do remember, but I don't think about it. I no longer feel Europe-sickness. I don't think about the Zadar University or the people I met there or the sea.

There's always something new and wonderful. Each year has its lovely place: Istorichka, then FMD's, then ZIL with trees all around it.

Some years ago I would never dream of being to Europe 2-3 times a year. (And I am going to find a job and to make my trips more frequent and efficient, cause I'm tired of spending such a lot of time travelling by buses, although it's so cosy because it reminds one of school excursions. And also I become more practical, and -- little by little -- make more wise decisions when travelling and try to waste less time).

Some years ago I would never believe that I'd learn Croatian.

Uh-oh. Wanted to learn a new language and understood that my Croatian is too bad. But still, I'll try to learn some Polish. Thanks to all the inspiring articles and books (a book by Susanna Zarajskaja) about learning many languages. 

But still, I have that feeling of all those 5 years fading into the background, as if I were to start from scratch. No, not in a bad way, but as if I was once more free to choose and with a lot of energy and so on. Even RSUH seems a noble and appealing place, not that I say it isn't, but it looks as if I have never studied there when I read documents concerning postgraduate studies.